Dear friends,
Today is my birthday. I was so angry yesterday that the only thing I could write was a poem. I haven’t written a poem for a long time. I’m not a very good poet. But I wrote this in a white heat and decided that because today is my birthday, no one can make fun of me for it anyway, because that’d be extra-mean, so please know that I am aware this is not the pinnacle of the form. It’s just what I had in me. I used to blog, way back when I first started writing, and I’d share things that weren’t polished because I was practicing. I’m trying to harness that spirit today.
I had an abortion a few months ago. It was awful and I was treated pretty terribly as a chronically ill person and still I am so fucking glad I had access to it and was able to get one. I wanted to write about it in a wholly different way, really didn’t want to “come out” about it like this, but right now I think it’s most important that everyone remembers that they have loved someone who has had an abortion.
Abortion rights are human rights. Please donate to abortion funds if you’re able - either your local one, or to the National Network of Abortion Funds.
Here’s the poem.
On the Day After Roe v. Wade was Overturned If my uterus was a killing machine I would rip it out of my belly utilize it to tear into each body removing me from mine. I turn it into one a death trap (my body my choice) fill it with bullets dipped in poison kill each fetal heartbeat in advance before white men with guns put holes in newly-formed buns no longer ovened. Now my uterus is a gun. An AR-15. An RU-486. An are you saying a 15 year old should be told to give birth no matter what yes. An are you ready for the dead the dead the dead the hundreds of dead marching on your conscience we’ve been telling you all along we are what we are. I grew up with dead baby jokes how many dead babies to change a light bulb how many fit on a spike what’s worse than a dead baby in a corner. Judges think I don’t know the difference between a dead baby in a corner and an electric impulse convulsed into the language of heartbeat and life. I know the difference. I killed one of my very own (impulse not baby). No I’m not naïve I know they’re cannier teaching the masses that cruelty is catharsis that taking is the same as receiving even though they won’t get a thing but empty self-righteousness coffers fields promises gas tanks social security health care. But what matters is the life of the american dream lining the pockets of men who say you too can achieve. So my uterus shoots to kill my belly its shield. When I rub it I hear bells the death knells of its enemies blasted to pieces by semi-automatic capabilities. My anger grows with every shot every reload sustaining itself without air heat diapers care needing only five fingers and a trigger lawed and ordered into place. Actually I hate guns told my partner I never want one in the house not even if he learns about safety how to shoot real well alongside socialists with ideals who prepare for the worst. I don’t want to be tempted into becoming a mirror to hatred to greed to this town ain’t big enough for the all of us that are here and alive and alive and alive. If they come to my home with violence for aiding abetting the rights of property (of broodmares vessels incubators) I will fight back with every fiber of my flesh every stitch of my breath I will stare my murderer in the eye remind him of every person he's ever loved (make no mistake they love as hard as we do crookedly small mindedly but still) and when he cleaves me with his bullet my spirit will exit through the hole and make itself comfortable inside his memory nightmare him awake then haunt his days to madness. Listen I’m Jewish I’ll wield guilt like a drone.
The Day After Roe v. Wade was Overturned
Right on! The theocrats will not prevail. They have opened fire on every womb in the land; the reckoning will be deep and wide.
happy birthday ilana. i hope you have a good day. your poem is haunting. i've read your abortion story and i'm just so sorry at what you had to go through for legal healthcare.